


Light

by smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger



Series: Bucky/Reader [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Withdrawal, F/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Sick Character, Withdrawal, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-23 18:55:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10725198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger/pseuds/smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger
Summary: Bucky is going through withdrawals from whatever drugs HYDRA used to control him while he struggles with guilt. The reader is hurt because of it.





	Light

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a post on tumblr about how there are a lack of fics dealing with the physical aspects of what HYDRA did to Bucky rather than the mental. So, it inspired this. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading. Also, let me know if you would like to see more of this?? I really liked writing this one???
> 
> Also, really sorry for any medical inaccuracies.

“Oh good, Y/N, you’re here,” Steve Rogers says when Y/N opens her front door. She glances at the clock next to the door and sighs.

“As most people are at six in the morning, Rogers,” she reprimands as she crosses her arms over her chest. “It’s my day off you know and I was planning to avoid that tower at all costs. So, this better be good.”

Sheepishly Steve asks, “Did I wake you?”

“I was up,” she comments offhandedly, turning and motioning Steve inside her apartment. “Come inside, you’re letting the cold air in.”

He does as asked, shutting the door behind himself, while Y/N goes to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee.

As she spoons coffee grounds into the pot she asks, “So why’re you here Steve?”

Steve leans on the counter next to her and says, “Well, we just haven’t seen you around the Tower lately. I mean I know you’re there working but you, uh, don’t stop by anymore.”

“Did Bucky say something to you?” Y/N asks, not looking up from the coffee pot which was now diligently doing its job. “Because if he did it’s none of your business and he should be here himself-,”

He cuts her off and shakes his head, “It was Nat actually. She-she, uh, heard that day I think.”

Y/N bows in on herself, bracing her arms on the counter, “The day he told me I mean nothing to him?”

Steve winces and says, “Look, I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to make sure you’re okay because you’re my friend. Nat only said anything to me because I asked why you hadn’t been around.” Taking a chance, he rubs the back of his neck and says, “That and Bucky’s not been himself lately…I mean he’s-he’s, reverting to-to before…”

Her spine is stiff, posture taut and alert, “Oh.” Y/N glances up at him, straightening from her place hunched over the counter.

“What happened?”

“I fucked up,” her voice is barely a whisper. “Pushed my luck. I should have been happy with being friends…but some hopeful part of me thought…well, I don’t know what I thought. I guess I thought maybe I might be lovable. But he proved me wrong and that’s okay. I’m not mad at him. It’s just best if I stay away now so it isn’t awkward for the rest of you. Team dynamic and all that.”

It’s quiet for a moment, the only sounds the ticking of a clock and the brewing coffee. “He didn’t-,”

She whips toward him and points a finger in his face, “Don’t you dare tell me he didn’t mean it. He meant it. He knows-he knows,” her voice cracks dangerously, “what I’ve been through-,”

Steve pulls her into his arms, “I know he does. But he also knows that’s what would push you away, what would make you stay away.”

“Damn right!” She shoves away from him. “He-,”

“Y/N,” Steve holds up his hands. “Not only is he dealing mentally with a lot of stuff but he’s also physically sick. You are the only bright thing in his life some days.” Blinking back tears he meets her eyes, “I think he probably saw himself taking you down, ruining you.”

Y/N stares at him, “You aren’t that perceptive Rogers who talked to you?”

“Nat, she knows everything,” Steve says unembarrassedly. “And so then I talked to Bucky and now I’m here.” He pauses and swallows thickly, “He regrets it. He knows what you’ve been through.”

She’s breathing hard, chest tight, as she looks at Steve. “Is he…how is he?”

It’s Steve’s turn to glance away now, “He’s uh…well you know how it is. He’s withdrawing from whatever they were giving him while with HYDRA.” He sighs, “Just…if you could come see him, I think it would help.” When she doesn’t answer he says, “You don’t owe anything to us, any of us. And I’m sorry I have to ask.”

 

~

 

Y/N doesn’t go back to see Bucky. Not immediately anyways.

It’s true the Bucky is sick. Addicted to whatever drugs HYDRA had been pumping him full of for years and years. He was always nauseous and dizzy from the withdrawal symptoms yet always managed to be positive and sweet, kind and caring.

Until he hadn’t been.

Until he had violently rejected Y/N, drove her away, had known exactly what to say to her to make her leave.

But of course she can’t stay away for long. Not when an Avenger a day came to her office to ask if she might reconsider. They all cared about Bucky immensely and things had gotten so desperate that even Tony had stopped by a few times to throw his two cents in.   

Sam had been the one to finally wear her down, irritating her and poking her until she stormed out of her office and to the elevators. However, once in front of Bucky’s door she loses all her confidence and turns on her heel, ready to go back to her office, gather her things, and go home and have a Game of Thrones marathon with a bottle of wine when she hears someone stumbling around inside the apartment.

Then she hears a door bounce off a wall and a crash. Y/N doesn’t even think as she throws open the door and darts inside. “Buck?”

She hears a groan from the bathroom and immediately makes her way there, her boots squeaking on the wooden floor. In the doorway of the bathroom she feels her heart ache. “Oh, Bucky…”

Slowly he looks up from where he has his head stuck over the toilet. “Hey doll,” he manages to mutter before his body heaves again. Y/N sinks down to the floor next to him to gather his long hair into her hand, holding it carefully away from his face. Her other hand goes to his lower back, rubbing gently, trying to soothe him.

It takes a few minutes before his stomach settles again. He pulls back to lean against the wall, sweat beading on his forehead before slowly rolling downwards. His chest is still heaving, lids threatening to slip closed, “’m sorry, Y/N. So…sorry,” he mumbles, trying to fight off the exhaustion.

Y/N shakes her head and closes the toilet lid before flushing it. Next she attempts to pull him up from the floor but he only groans and whispers another apology, completely out of it. “’is too hot, Y/N.”

She rolls her eyes and grabs him by the front of his jacket, unzipping it for him and attempting to get his heavy limbs out of the garment. “Y/N please, I need ya ta know I’m sorry. I didn’t mean,” he coughs violently before continuing. “I need ya ta know I didn’t mean any of it.”

“Shut up Buck,” she murmurs as she finally gets him out of his jacket, leaving him in sweatpants and a t-shirt.

“Please, Y/N, I need you to know. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want to hurt ya. I know-,” he pauses as Y/N stands and forces him to lie down on the cool tile floor before she grabs a washcloth from the linen closet to wet under the faucet. “I know that people hurt you before.”

She sits back on the floor and lifts his head into her lap, “Hush, Buck.” The cool washcloth is run over his face, “Where’s Steve?”

“Mission,” he says quietly. “’m alone.”

A soft, sympathetic hum leaves her.

“But Y/N,” his eyes stay closed as she keeps running the cloth over his face and neck, brushing his hair back. “I need you to know I’m sorry. Ya don’t have to forgive me, but ‘m so sorry.”

Her silence speaks volumes but she doesn’t leave and Bucky keeps his mouth shut. First because talking made his headache worse and two because he knows she’s thinking and his silence would make or break whatever thoughts she might be having.

Instead of trying to overthink he attempts to enjoy the feeling of her hand in his hair and the cool cloth on his burning skin. Finally, after many minutes, she whispers, “You told me I didn’t matter, that I never did. You said you never quite cared for me in the first place, at all, let alone romantically.” Her voice cracks, “I-I-I didn’t want to lose you as a friend. You could have just said you didn’t feel the same way and I wouldn’t have pushed. I trusted you enough to admit it in the first place and you threw it back in my face, you said everything that you know _they_ used to say to me. Everything that I’m terrified of, everything that makes me keep my distance… _you_ said it to me.” Y/N’s voice quivers. "I trusted you not to."

When the cloth is taken away from his face he opens his eyes and looks up to see Y/N reaching up to the sink to rewet it. He reaches back to wrap the fingers of his flesh hand around her hand still resting in his hair. “I didn’t mean any of it. None of it is true.”

She looks down at him and takes his had away from her wrist, “Okay.”

“Y/N, doll, please-,”

“Bucky,” she whispers, voice soft and careful, “Please be quiet now. Let me take care of you.”

He sits up abruptly when she starts to run the cloth down his arm, “No. I can’t. Not when-,”

Y/N leans forward and catches him in her arms as he goes bone white and starts to tilt forward, “Okay let’s go to bed. I’ll believe you for now about not meaning it. Can you stand?”

Slowly they stand together, Y/N supporting some of Bucky’s weight and praying that he didn’t pass out before they made it to the bedroom. But luck is on their side and they manage to get to bed without any disasters. She lets him flop down before pulling off his sweatpants and t-shirt, leaving him only in his boxers. “Sit up,” she demands, trying not to stare at his chest. He does as requested with only a little trouble, still sweating and shaking. Y/N throws his hair into a loose bun and then goes about searching for the drugs Tony and Bruce had designed for Bucky’s particular situation, adjusting for his enhanced system from the serum. He claimed they didn’t help but took them all the same, accepting the full glass of water she offers with them.

“Chills come next,” he murmurs to her as her heart hurts for him. “Thanks for your help. I hope I’ll still see you around the Tower if you could leave an extra blanket with me.”

She frowns at him, “I’m not leaving you. Unless…I’m being dismissed-,”

“No, no, no, no. No, not again. Y/N, please. I don’t want you to go. I want-,” he swallows dryly. “God, babydoll, all I want is you but…Dammit if it doesn’t hurt me to think you can do better. That I’m too…sick and needy and you deserve better and I was scared and I knew a sure fire way of making you forget about me was to say what hurt most. But the way your eyes cracked and your heart shattered in front of my very eyes I knew it had been a waste. I knew I had hurt you so badly and I _never_ -,”

“Shut up Barnes,” she murmurs, wrapping her arms around his now shaking form, cold and chills starting to settle in. She presses her face into his hair, his head on her shoulder, “Just quiet now.”

He shakes his head again, feeling like he might throw up, “You just deserve the world and all I can offer is someone that’s so fucked up and going through withdrawals and addicted to god knows what-,”

“Someone doing his best. Someone who is light and sun and warmth and safety. Someone who is everything to a lot of people.” She pauses before adding, “Someone who is everything to me.”

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs into her shoulder. “So sorry.”

She doesn’t say it’s okay and she still isn’t ready to accept his apology and so she just pats his hair as he slumps forward into her neck. Y/N sits with him as the chills wrack his body, sure to wrap him in a warm blanket, then the exhaustion finally pulls him back to sleep.

Y/N stays all night, curled into his side and doesn’t move, not even when she hears Steve come home. She tells herself it’s to make sure he’s okay, but really she knows it’s because she cares for him, probably (definitely) loves him.

When his arm tightens around her in the morning and Bucky buries his nose in the back of her neck, murmuring another quiet apology, she says she knows. He doesn’t ask her for forgiveness and so she brings his hand up to her lips and gives it a light kiss.

“I feel the same you know,” he says to her as sun streams in the window in warm yellow rays. “I feel more than the same, I love you. You’re my light.”

Y/N only kisses his knuckles again and admits quietly, “So exactly the same.”

Bucky’s eyes clench closed and his hands shake. She’d always be too good for him but he’d never try and push her away again. Y/N allows him to turn her head back to him and press his lips chastely to hers. He knows he’s not forgiven as they slowly kiss the morning away but it’s a damn good start. One day, maybe he’ll deserve it.


End file.
